Ask Serena

[serenissima]

I had a funny experience tonight: aristeros was trying to advise his roommate on a relationship issue and tapped me as a consultant, as it were, so he could have a female perspective backing up his advice. The issue was that Roommate was requesting a favor from Roommate's girlfriend back home -- the specifics don't really matter. Personally, I thought that acceding to this request would benefit the girlfriend and I didn't understand her problem with it, but apparently she saw it as making her go out of her way for Roommate. At any rate she was reluctant. Roommate, on the other hand, naturally felt his request made a lot of sense. aristeros's advice was basically to take a conciliatory approach toward the discussion. He put me on the phone with Roommate, and I agreed with him, but after mulling it over for a while, I thought I could have made our point even clearer.

Here's what I would tell Roommate if I could do it over:
When trying to get the other person to come around to your way of doing things, be careful of your approach. Your goal is not to get the other person to admit that you are right and she is wrong. Your goal is to reach an outcome agreeable to both sides. Therefore, make an effort to see the other person's point of view, and start the discussion by acknowledging the other person's point of view. If you take an adversarial or accusatorial tone, she will feel attacked. She will associate the issue with hurt feelings. Regardless of who is in the right, this will not make her inclined to grant you anything. You do not have to apologize or speak as if you have done or are doing something wrong, but just be humble. Try framing your side of the issue in light of her objections. Emphasize how your suggestion benefits both of you. Remember, you don't necessarily need her to end up seeing the issue exactly the same way you do, you just need her to acknowledge your side and yield a little leeway.

(I use feminine pronouns because of the context of the situation. I would think this would go for both women and men, but if women's and men's minds worked the same way, my perspective would not have been needed, now would it?)

Comments

[pulplit.livejournal.com]

Yours wasn't, really, the feminine perspective. It was simply the third perspective. I've seen this principle at work with people of both genders. If you approach it as a battle to be won, you've already lost. If instead you approach it as a cooperative enterprise, then everyone's happier.

[aristeros.livejournal.com]

Well...to be honest, I still thought of the situation in terms of a battle to be won. I was just willing to consider PsyOps and diplomacy as a means to the desired end. ;)